Roller coaster

Going back to school after 22 years is exciting and overwhelming at the same time.  Most of what is overwhelming me is related to one, or more, of the following situations.

I haven't done Calculus or college level math in 22 years.
There internet didn't exist on campus 22 years ago.
I haven't written an academic paper in 22 years.
I've never had great reading comprehension and trying to remember all that I read, who wrote it, and then being able to articulate it has always been challenging for me.

Back when Rone took the job here at West Point and our life got turned upside down, I learned that making changes in our lives allows Heavenly Father to bless us.

Last February, I received a very clear prompting that I was to start my Masters Degree this fall.  After applying to 2 different schools and being accepted at both, I received confirmation that Teacher's College was the right place for me.  I really didn't want to go to Teacher's College.  I didn't want to drive into the city and I knew that the degree would be much more rigorous there and I already had doubts about my ability.

I could write for hours on the highs and lows that I have experienced the last 3 weeks.  It has been a roller coaster. Some days I was having so much fun and other days I was literally in tears feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of my life so far.  I doubted and I feared and I forgot to have faith.

So, this week I have tried to remind myself that if this was what I was supposed to do and if I do all that I can, I will not fail.  I will be pushed and challenged but I will also be supported.

Several events of this last week combined to reinforce this for me.

A week ago last Saturday I drove into the city to attend the writing center's Introduction to Academic Writing workshop.  It was so helpful.  The Writing Center Director (a graduate student) gave us practical tips about things we can do while we are reading all of the assigned journal articles, that will help us be better writers.  At the end of the workshop he told us about computer programs that we can use to help organize all of our digital journal articles.  It was one of those cases of "I didn't even know what I didn't know".  Initially that scared me.  What else do I need to know that I don't even know I don't know?

This last Saturday I went in to another writing workshop.  (This one on APA since that is the writing style we will most likely be using.)  Again it was a great workshop.  Besides discussing APA and being told where we could find the best online help (Shout out to Byron...the #1 place to get APA help...The OWL -online writing lab at Purdue), the director also gave us some practical advice and practice in summarizing and paraphrasing.  At one point he also mentioned a book that he recommended we get a copy of that would help us in our academic writing.  I quickly wrote it down and when I stopped at the Columbia bookstore to buy a planner (because I needed a formal place to keep track of all of my assignments and due dates) I looked for the book, found it, and bought a copy.

I also paid a formal visit to the library on Saturday to ask for help.  I visit the library website and most of what I see I can't even make sense out of.  I tried figuring it out on my own but was not having much luck.  I stopped at the library after my Saturday workshop and humbly told one of the student librarians that it has been an embarrassing number of years since I had used an academic library and I needed some help.  She patiently and kindly walked me through the website explaining how to find journal articles using the many different databases they have available and even explaining that if they don't have what I need, they can get it for me.  I left feeling better.

Saturday evening after using the computer program that I had downloaded to manage all of my readings (Mendeley), spending many hours reading while practicing the strategies the Writing Center director had shared in the workshops, I picked up the book that he had recommended and started reading some of the chapters.  It was at this point that it hit me.  I have been pointed to, and given, the exact resources that I needed to help me in the areas where I feel the most inadequate and unprepared.  The hints and tips given in the writing workshops are helping me with my reading comprehension and preparing me to be able to write the papers that I will have to write.  I feel like I can understand the library now.  Mendeley is an awesome searchable program that will organize all of my readings, and my comments on them, so that I can easily find what I need later when I am writing.  And the book about how to write is very easy to understand with well defined strategies to use while writing.  It basically took something completely mystical to me and turned it into a step by step process.

I quickly recognized all of these things as blessings.  I have been given exactly what I need.  I still feel inadequate.  I wish I was already proficient at using the library website, using Mendeley, reading for understanding, summarizing, paraphrasing, writing academically, and using APA but with practice I will get there.  At least I now have the tools that I need to be able to become proficient at these tasks.  The fact that I so easily found exactly what I need to help me is evidence to me of Heavenly Father's help and support.  (I just felt very strongly that I should attend both of the writing workshops, felt strongly that I should just go explain my situation to a librarian and ask for help, and felt strongly like I should buy that book and buy it that day rather than wait to order it from Amazon.)

I know this experience is still going to be a roller coaster.  But when I am experiencing a low I am going to turn it around with faith.  I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.  And when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, Heavenly Father will provide me the help that I need.  He has demonstrated that so clearly in the events of this last week and I am so grateful.

(P.S. As for Calculus and my math skills.  I've got a great calculus book and solutions manual and I am plugging away.  I just got through the chapter on limits.  Limits were challenging to me in High School but they actually seemed to make more sense now even though they still made my head hurt.  Now I am happily in derivatives.  I even remember some of the rules.  Yah!)